Remember how I wrote about Pelias’ daughters having tea with Mrs Jason? Yeah, they did. And Medea showed them some of her sorcery stuff. She tells me that she chopped up an old sheep, put it in a cauldron and did some hocus-pocus on it. Instead of getting yummy mutton stew, out pops a brand new springy lamb! And Pelias’ daughters, being none too bright, agreed to Medea’s offer to do the same thing to Pelias.

She chopped him up, all right, but there wasn’t any rejuvenating going on after that. He stayed in bits.

We got revenge, but we also got kicked out of Iolcos. We’ve relocated to Corinth, got ourselves a really nice little estate with trees and servants and everything. We live quietly and comfortably, and Medea’s promised to stop murdering people. I don’t foresee anything else that can go wrong.

The quest is over. No more thrilling heroics. I’ve hung up my sword and my shield. Heracles is supposed to be doing all sorts of impossible deeds. But you know what? I don’t think I mind. I’ll live here quietly with my wife until I die, hopefully at a grand old age. Yep, nothing else exciting is ever going to happen to me. I really hope that that’s true.

We got back, all right. Back with the fleece, which I presented to Pelias and asked him oh-so-nicely to step aside and stop usurping, since I had fulfilled his challenge and he should give me my kingship thanks very much.

But no. Apparently he never intended to give me back the crown. No matter what I did. So here I am, back in Iolcos after winning fame and renown, reclaiming Ramson and getting married, and it’s all for nothing. Nothing!

Medea’s having tea with his daughters this afternoon. Maybe she’ll be able to convince them to bend their daddy’s ear.

No more delays means we should be home by next week sometime!

We were just approaching Crete when this huge gleaming bronze dude started throwing rocks at us. He was huge! And very angry and territorial, considering he really didn’t want us on his island. Luckily, though, my wife is a scary person with a whole lot of mojo, and she did some freaky thing with her eyes that made him accidentally tear his ankle on a rock and die. We spent that night telling ghost stories around a big bonfire on the beach, and this morning we made a shrine to Athena, just in case she was mad that Medea is continuing her murderous rampage around the Mediterranean. We’re sailing again now, and I really hope that we get home soon. I’m itching to start all this King business.

Getting all that sand out of your armour is a challenge

See, I thought that little ritual that Circe performed was supposed to help. You know, take away the wrath of Zeus. I dunno about you, but being blown off course by freakish winds and then getting stuck in a desert when you’ve got a boat seems a lot like divine wrath to me. Maybe I’m just old fashioned.

Anyway, I’m considering holding a general ban on soothsaying. It was soothsaying that got us into this mess. There we were, languishing in the desert when some horse bolts past and suddenly all the seers are jumping up and down saying we have to carry the Argo across the desert!! I suppose Mopsus was regretting that when he died last week. Sad day, that. Canthus died, too. 42/50. We’re nearly twenty percent less Argonauts. Depressing thought.

So we carried the thing over the desert, Medea whining the whole time about sunburn being bad for her complexion, until I thought we were actually going to die. But lo and behold, a lake appeared! And there was a lake god and everything, and he showed us a channel that led right back to the Mediterranean Sea after a couple of sacrifices.

I just really hope nothing else goes wrong.

But that was the only strife we had on the seafaring part of this last little while. Thetis even showed up in person with a bunch of Nereids (who I tried very hard not to ogle, considering the homicidal proclivities of my intended) to guide us past the Scylla and Charybdis. We sailed quite happily onward over the Ionian Sea and landed at Drepane where the Phaeacians live. It was just like old times, being received by king Alcinous and getting presents, but it was not to last.

Aeetes apparently is a stubborn old codger, because no sooner had we sat down to banquet when in storm a whole bunch of angry Colchians, waving their swords around and demanding the return of their princess. Alcinous said he needed some time to think about it. I went back to the ship to brood.

Medea, meanwhile, was apparently very active. She didn’t want to go back to Colchis, and she and Arete (Alcinous’ wife) had a talk about it. Arete told her husband to tell the Colchians that if Medea was still a ‘maiden’ then she had to go back to her father. If she wasn’t, then she didn’t.

So Medea and I got married. And trust me, she’s no longer a maiden. The Colchians couldn’t take her, and they couldn’t go home either since Aeetes would rip their innards out, so they settled down with the Phaeacians. Happy ending all round.

They had a long talk when I was out of the room. There is no way in which that can be a good thing…

But anyway, we’re all purified, so this afternoon we’re off.

I’m beginning to wonder if we’ll ever get home.

If only.

Medea is totally tapped in the head. Crazy in the cranium. Batty in the brainpan. Totally and utterly whacko.

Remember what I said about Aeetes following us? Yeah, he was. Not so much now, though. He’s busy collecting the remains of his son that are floating around the sea. Since MEDEA CHOPPED HER BROTHER APSYRTUS UP AND THREW HIM OVERBOARD!!!!!!!!!

I am dreading married life. Imagine what she’ll do to me if I go out for a drink with the guys and forget to tell her? Or if I leave the toilet seat up? I am really gonna be whipped…

This has caused us some problems. Crimes against one’s own family are not so happily looked upon by great Zeus. So we can’t go back the way we came and expect to live. At the moment we’re sailing up the river Istros to try and get back to the Mediterranean that way. Nothing ever goes smoothly. Why does nothing ever go smoothly?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you how it all went down.

Woke up, feeling terrified, to go face the bulls. But thanks to my new fiancee, I was totally invulnerable and all around awesome. The bulls… That is going to give me nightmares for weeks. Imagine standing, completely naked, in front of a huge crowd, including not only the men you command and dragged all the way here for this very moment, but also your new love interest who you naturally want to impress, her cranky and not-so-appealing dad, and his entire court.. Got that image? Great. Okay, so take that already really bad moment, and add two huge FIRE-BREATHING bulls charging you! WITH FIRE!!!

I swear I nearly just up and died right there.

But I didn’t. Thank the gods (especially you, Hera, you’ve really pulled through for me). I managed, somehow, to grab the bulls and yoke them, and together we tore around the field ripping up huge furrows in the ground. I can’t remember exactly how that happened, things got a blurry in my memory, but the guys assure me I was heroic, god-like, even. Idas says I looked like Ares himself striding into battle. Naked.

First trial over and so far so good. I sowed the field with the dragon’s teeth, and then all these homicidal maniacs pop up like machete-wielding daisies! That’s where the stone came in. For all their scary glaring and snarling, the dudes weren’t the brightest. Just threw a single stone in the middle of the lot of them and they degenerated to “Who threw that? I’m counting to three and whoever threw that better own up or someone’s losing an arm!”.

Arms were, indeed, lost. As were legs, torsos, heads, and various organs. There was a general bloody melee until there was only one left, who I courageously slew, with my own heroic (and invulnerable) two hands.

Great! So all that’s left is to collect the remains of dear Ramson and be on our merry way home for my triumphant return to Iolcos as rightful and god-sanctioned sovereign, right? I’ve done what Aeetes asked, and very stylishly, too, right? He’s an honourable man who abides by his oaths before men and gods, right?

Ha. Wrong.

We were all back on the Argo reveling in my awesomeness when Medea and some other dude ran up to the boat. She was totally freaking out, something about her dad burning the ship and betraying us all. We agreed to sail to the grove where Ramson’s remains are hanging and nick them before Aeetes could stab us in the back. So off we sailed (a little waveringly, considering the afore-mentioned revelry involved wine) and before long we were in this creepy grove. Ramson’s skin was hanging on a tree and curled around it there was this freaky snake dragon thing. We walked up the river bank and it just… uncurled itself and came straight for us, rolling along with its evil little eyes staring at me. I nearly had a heart attack!

Luckily, my bride-to-be is not to be messed with, and she stopped it with a glare! Okay, a glare, some fancy words and some powder on its eyes to make it sleep, but whoa. We scooped up Ramson, hightailed it back to the boat and shot off back into open water. Which is where we are now, rowing like crazy to try and outrun my future father-in-law’s fleet. There’s a good tail wind coasting us along and it smells of sweet revenge. Look out, Pelias, we’re coming for you!